Nurturing Nuggets

A place to go when I have those little extra "nuggets" to share.  I hope you enjoy!

     Emotions are meant to be felt and our emotions tend to drive our actions. As adults we learn that we shouldn’t make important decisions if we are tired, hungry, angry, or sad. Now think of our kids; those emotions or needs run their little minds and bodies. Actions are a call for attention and kids don’t care if it is good or bad attention. If a kid typically listens and does what is told but if asked to do something and their reaction is not as expected that is a call for help and for the adult to see that and try to better understand. They may not be able to put what they are feeling into words and so their body takes over. 

     Kids are not able to mask as well as adults or fully understand what they could be feeling. So many want to put how a kid acts into a box or a standard when each and every mind is different. A brain is not fully developed until 25 and even at 35 I have a hard time understanding what I could be feeling and why. There are countless times that personally I have better understood something I was going through by talking and helping one of my kids through whatever they are experiencing. Emotions can be big and it is our job to help understand them and make them important. We shouldn’t encourage these little bodies to stuff down crying because it’s “weak” or not show how proud they are about an accomplishment because it’s “egocentric”. Kids have the right to feel, its how can we help them through it or be ok to sit with it. 

     Commonly we think sadness or anger is not necessary but we can learn from the hard emotions. Anger can help us get to places we didn’t think we could achieve. Sadness shows how much we truly care about something and what it means to us. So how can we adults help? We can accept the hard emotions, we can talk about them, we can give ideas on how to cope with what is being felt, and also having boundaries with them. For example, I have always told my kids they have the right to be angry or upset but they do not have the right to disrupt my environment or cause damage while feeling that strong. They have the right to be in their room, feeling what they need, screaming in a pillow, or just being alone. Once they have felt a level of calm, they are always welcome to come get a hug and we talk. It is hard, it is exhausting, but as my kids have gotten older, they can identify what they feel and need more often than not. As hard as they are, emotions are necessary. You won’t know true happiness unless you experience true sadness so we need to see the emotion and embrace them.

     Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs out there. A typical job consists of training, a supervisor of some kind, and payment. A parent is told there is no right way to do it so read all these different books and form your own style, parents work with and let’s face it for tiny negotiating terrorists, and get paid in sticky hugs and sloppy kisses. However, most parents even on the bad days wouldn’t trade that in. I for one am really hard on myself as a Mama and think I’m messing my kids up and not doing well every day. I want to stay on top of all the things in life that are thrown my way and still have time to snuggle and read a book or play a game with my kids. I see a mess and disorganization everywhere. I find myself going to bed feeling defeated and not living for the day. 

     Now, if I look on the flip side and see me through the eyes of my kids, they see a strong Mama trying to do life. They see that I care more about them and what they say than cleaning the floors. They see that I will let the dishes make a pile in the sink so that I can read a book with them. That I stay up late so that I can work on the computer or get something done so not to waste time with them. They see that even though life throws us curve balls that they are safe and cared for. 

     Perception is a funny thing because it is in the eye of the beholder. Remembering that not everything is black and white. We live in a world of color and if we can’t see that then how can we teach our kiddos to dance in the rain? We are own worst critic and it’s time that we show ourselves some grace. Get down on the floor and play cars and dinos. Get out the good paint and create art. Our kids are thinking we are superheros so we need to start treating ourselves as such. I promise that if we as parents take that extra time that someday these kiddos will appreciate the life that we were able to live with them. 

     Think back to some of your favorite memories as a kid. I bet that a common reality of those memories is spending time with people that you love. Kids love presents and going places but when you really dissect what is going on you will see that kids love your time. That time can look like telling you a ridiculously long and silly story that happened at school that day or reading a book or sitting together watching a show and sharing a special snack. As we grow older, we realize the value of someone’s time and we are able to understand how important that truly is. Kids may not grasp that concept yet but they love attention, whether it is positive or negative. 

     In my own home I am able to notice when my son needs extra time with me by the way he acts out. Once I sit down and we snuggle while reading I can feel his energy change. He seeks activities to do together such as basketball. Doing this may only last twenty minutes but the emotional bucket has been filled and he talks about it for days. My daughter needs my attention at night before bed. She loves to have the lights off and talk across our room. Or we share short videos back and forth. If I don’t watch them quickly enough, she has actually has said to me if I didn’t have time for her videos then she can stop. I don’t ever want her to stop and sharing those are a way to connect and sometimes see deeper in ourselves or just laugh hysterically. I now watch those videos as soon as I get them and she talks to me about them which leads to more open conversations. We bake or cook together which not only shares our time now but those recipes and lessons will last forever. 

     By spending that time when they are young, we teach them how to put that effort into their own relationships as they grow up. They will learn that time and love and connection mean more than the materialistic items that society has shown us to be important. They will feel that they are valued and what they think and say is worthy of being listened to. Everything that we do now with our kiddos are planting seeds for when they are older. Kiddos will remember you making that effort to listen, creating a safe place, and spending time together. Big trips and presents are great (I like my fair share of those too!) but when you have someone’s time you know you get a piece of them. You get to feel important and worthy because they have made that time for you. Our kiddos deserve those moments just as much as our friends and partners. Save the dishes and floors for later. The clutter can wait. Spend the time playing a card game or coloring a picture or let them choose something special to do together. That time is well spent when spending it together. 

     As we pack up the lights and decorations and the new year is upon us, we reflect on 2023 and look at what we want to achieve in 2024. We set new goals for ourselves and our children to accomplish by the end of the new year and wish this will be the best year yet.  As the adult we don’t want to fail, we don’t want to fail in front of the kids, and we don’t want our kids to fail. However, have you ever heard that “fail” can be an acronym for First Attempt In Learning? 

     We fear it, we avoid it, we won’t do something if we feel we will fail at it. However, being able to fail and giving children the chance to fail will provide them with the opportunity to build perseverance and resilience. When we fail, we get to overcome and face what we were asked to accomplish. Failing gives us the opportunity to figure out a different solution or a more creative way to get to the end goal. It teaches us what our strengths are and areas that we need to work on. Failure shows that not everyone can be the best at everything and win all the time. When something in our lives doesn’t work out the way we plan we learn valuable lessons that can carry us through life. Some of the best life lessons can come from not succeeding or not succeeding the first time we try. 

     One of my favorite ways to plant the idea of ok to fail to kids that we can control, because we adults are human too, is when we cook. Kids are observant and they watch their adults closely on how to react and their coping mechanisms when things don’t work out. When making dinner, something as simple as burning food and needing to create a different idea is a form of failure and how to deal with it will also help them learn even their parents aren’t perfect! Letting kids see the frustration, and time it takes to come back from it, is something that kids learn from. If we throw the pan away, yell, scream and talk down to ourselves, that teaches our kids to react with anger and self-deprecation when something doesn’t work in our favor. Instead we can show the anger and frustration we feel, because our emotions are valid, but how do we fix it? We can take a breath and find a different way to achieve dinner whether that be ordering out, fixing a sandwich, or starting over from scratch. We problem solve, we move forward, and we control our own actions. Failure is an important lesson in life and the sooner we teach how to cope, persevere, and be resilient the easier it will be for these amazing kids of ours. 

     “Mom, when do I get a break?” I could feel myself tense up and want to snap back at my six year old son as the words were leaving his mouth. All I wanted him to do was pick up his dirty clothes and put them in the washer and that equaled him having a meltdown that he just needs a break from life. I had to take a breath and tell myself that kids need breaks too.

     Our kiddos have only been on this earth for a small amount of time and have worked so hard to be where they are at. Every day they are learning how to function in day-to-day situations. Their bodies and brains are developing at a constant rate. They go to school, then have homework, sports, classes, chores, and they need to make time to build relationships with friends and family. We are expecting our kids to be a mini version of us when they are not there yet in life. Our kiddos are not always given a chance to fail and learn from those hardships so they can then feel and recognize success. The average kiddo is not given the opportunity to play until the street lights come on and walk to the corner store with a friend.

     Kids have a lot on their plates and they are learning how to juggle their young world. As we enter this busy month, I hope to remember that the breaks these kids get are just as important because with this time the kids can relax, enjoy the magic and family that will happen this month, and be ready to go back to school in January, ready to take on the next challenge in their development. Parents deserve a break; don’t you think your kids do too?